When my cell rang, an unfamiliar number popped up on the screen. Normally I ignore these calls, certain my service provider has sold my information to half the country’s telemarketing companies. This time I picked up.
It was a therapist I had used as a source on a story about mental health. He had watched a couple of my recent appearances on CNN regarding the death of George Floyd and was worried about me. It was not only a kind gesture but one that carried with it a great deal of wisdom.
I was suppressing trauma and anger I didn’t even know I had.
I’ve been so busy covering the unjustifiable deaths, murders, of black and brown people over the years that I had grown accustomed to ignoring the toll it had taken on me as a black journalist. In journalism school they teach you the importance of removing yourself from the story. But there aren’t any courses on managing your mental health when you are repeatedly reflected in gut-wrenching stories.
Or, in the case of CNN’s Omar Jimenez — the black reporter who was arrested while covering the uprising in Minneapolis — you become part of the gut-wrenching story you’re covering.
Yamiche Alcindor of PBS told me on Saturday that she’s noticed a change in her own emotional connection to these particular tragedies over the years, beginning with the murder of Trayvon Martin in 2012.
“I’m from Miami and I have cousins who went to school with him, so I felt empathy,” she said. “At the same time, the journalist in me was covering George Zimmerman and his family with objectivity and professionalism. During Ferguson I started getting sadder. This time around, as someone who is married and wants to start a family one day, I feel like I got in a car accident. I survived, but I can see all of the air bag, which is unnerving. Then I get back in the car and get in another car accident, and the airbags go off again. They keep going off.”
“I feel this story in my bones. I wake up in the middle of the night crying at times.”
“I feel this story in my bones. I wake up in the middle of the night crying at times. I’m experiencing a different me.”
The sleepless nights are a recurring theme among journalists of color who have made deaths of persons of color their unofficial beat. I haven’t slept more than six hours in nearly a week. Suzette Hackney, director of opinion and community engagement for the Indianapolis Star, told me, “I walked six miles today trying to beat back the sorrow and depression.”
“I was on furlough this week,” she continued, citing a company mandate that takes her off the job for one week this month because of the financial shortfall created by the coronavirus. “Imagine being unable to write about this. Honestly, that’s another reason this has hit me so hard. I did some journaling but it’s not the same. My city was insane last night and I had to sit quiet.”
It has been a triple whammy for journalists like Hackney, Alcindor and others— covering a pandemic that is killing black and brown bodies at a disproportionately high rate; dealing with the economic fallout from COVID-19; and another cycle of violence that follows and results in more death to black and brown bodies.
“It is getting very difficult to tell the stories of black people dying on an emotional level,” said John Eligon, a national correspondent covering race for The New York Times. “People who look like me or family members of mine, and the practical weight that the police don’t see you as a journalist but as a black man in the street.
“I was walking around in Minneapolis where the protesters were, and these police floodlights came on. I didn’t know if they were pointing guns at us or not because none of us could see. I was holding my phone and press pass out away from my body hoping they wouldn’t think I was holding a weapon but at the same time I need to be reporting what’s going on. It was a very scary moment.”
I asked John if he had ever been to therapy to work out the lingering effects of covering these stories.
“Not for this,” he said. “I don’t know if I have it siloed somewhere in my mind and at some point there will be an explosion. I try decompressing by talking these things out with my wife and unwinding that way.”
It’s a unique balancing act, juggling your humanity with your profession against the backdrop of both being under relentless attack in today’s toxic political environment.
In 2016, when her fiancé proposed to her, Alcindor couldn’t help but think of Sean Bell, the black man New York City police shot and killed ten years earlier on the morning of his wedding.
“My journalism is about emotion and being attached,” Alcindor said. “The moment I cover a story and I don’t think about it nonstop, I need to find another story.”
Still, some topics force her to assume a heavier burden than others. In 2016, when her fiancé proposed to her, she couldn’t help but think of Sean Bell, the black man New York City police shot and killed 10 years earlier on the morning of his wedding. The three detectives charged in the shooting were all acquitted.
“The day he got down on one knee and proposed I started praying he would survive to the wedding day,” she said. “That’s not normal, but that’s what America has become.
“When I saw [Jimenez] getting arrested, my husband was standing in front of the TV with his mouth open. He’s a journalist like me and he couldn’t believe it. It felt very personal … the criminalization of a black journalist. [Jimenez] is an amazing reporter and was very professional, but he didn’t have a choice. In that moment, with all of those officers … it was shocking and scary to watch.”
In these moments, we don’t have a choice. Journalists of color recognize how important, essential, it is that we be there to bear witness. I do not look forward to going back into the streets to hear the cries of a hurting people. In fact, I dread it. But I do it because I recognize the melody. Their song is my song. Their pain is my pain. They have taken to the streets because they feel they have no other choice. So I, and others, follow, because neither do we.
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Protesters stand on top of a burned LAPD cruiser as another burns at 3rd St. and Fairfax Ave. in Los Angeles Saturday.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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A building on Melrose Ave is on fire Saturday night.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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Police move in to arrest protesters in the Fairfax District in Los Angeles Saturday night.
( Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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A couple consoles each other knowing they will be arrested along with protesters on Fairfax Ave. in Los Angeles Saturday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Police and groups including Black Lives Matter Los Angeles and Build Power stand off at Pan Pacific Park on Saturday, May 30, 2020.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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A police car is spray-painted with the name Floyd during a demonstration at Pan Pacific Park on Saturday.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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Los Angeles police arrest a protesterat W 3rd St and S Fairfax Ave. in the Fairfax District on Saturday.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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Two women hug each other knowing they will be arrested along with other protesters on Fairfax Ave. in Los Angeles.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters yell at LAPD officers at 3rd St and Fairfax Ave on Saturday.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters yell at LAPD officers at 3rd St and Fairfax Ave on Saturday.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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A skateboarder falls over a small fire set by protesters on 3rd St. in Los Angeles Saturday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protestor is arrested by LAPD officers at 3rd St. and Fairfax Ave. in Los Angeles Saturday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester kicks in the door of a Whole Foods Market in the Fairfax District Saturday,
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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Police arrests looters at Whole Foods Market in the Fairfax District Saturday.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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A LAPD police car is engulfed in flames as protest turned violent Saturday in the Fairfax District Saturday.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester falls to the ground after being shot with a rubber projectile from LAPD officers at 3rd St. and Fairfax Ave. in Los Angeles Saturday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester runs for safety after being shot with a rubber projectile from LAPD officers at 3rd St. and Fairfax Ave. in Los Angeles Saturday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protestor refuses to be arrested as he holds his dog at 3rd St. and Fairfax Ave. in Los Angeles Saturday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters run from the Apple Store at The Grove on Saturday.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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Chief of Police for Los Angeles, Michel Moore, tells protesters that the Fairfax District is closed Saturday.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester is arrested in the Fairfax District of Los Angeles on Saturday, May 30, 2020.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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Police yell at protester in the Fairfax District of Los Angeles on Saturday.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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As police watch, protesters demonstrate at the Farmers Market Saturday.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters gather at Pan Pacific Park on Saturday, May 30. The peaceful protest turned violent later in the day.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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A caravan of cars protesting the killing of George Floyd rally in front of LAPD Headquarters on Saturday.
(Irfan Khan/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters ransack a Walgreens store along Broadway in downtown Los Angeles on Saturday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Police officers react to a firecracker thrown by protesters on Figueroa Street in downtown Los Angeles on Saturday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Police arrest two men and a woman for violating the curfew along Broadway in downtown Los Angeles Saturday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Police officers stand outside a looted store on Broadway in downtown Los Angeles on Saturday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters break windows along Figueroa Street in downtown Los Angeles on Saturday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Orange County Sheriff deputies maintain a police block as a firecracker thrown by a protester explodes behind them during a protest Saturday in Santa Ana.
(Gina Ferazzi/Los Angeles Times)
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As fireworks explode in the background, Michelle Usher of Santa Ana, middle, prays in the street at the intersection of McFadden Avenue and Bristol Street in Santa Ana Saturday night.
(Gina Ferazzi/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester confronts Orange County Sheriff deputies who formed a police block to push demonstrators away from the intersection of McFaden Avenue and Bristol Street Saturday in Santa Ana.
(Gina Ferazzi/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester wipes tears as she listens to an impassioned speaker during a demonstration against the death of George Floyd during the coronavirus pandemic on Saturday in Orange.
(Gina Ferazzi/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters run from a jewelry store as LAPD officers approach in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters run from a jewelry store as LAPD officers approach in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester yells out along 2nd and Spring streets in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester throws a fire department firehose on a fire in the middle of the street in downtown Los Angeles on Friday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters gather around a fire in the middle of the street in downtown Los Angeles on Friday, May 29, 2020.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester breaks a window with a bat to a business in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A looter steals liquor bottles from Terroni restaurant on Spring St. in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters raise their arms at LAPD officers on Spring St. in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester blocks an LAPD vehicle from passing along 1st Street in Downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A protestwr trips and falls as LAPD officers approach on Spring St. in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters hold hands as they walk through a construction site to escape LAPD officers in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A Starbucks is looted along Spring St. in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A looter steals extra virgin olive oil from Terroni restaurant in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Police keep their eyes on protesters in downtown Los Angeles on Friday, May 29, 2020.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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A firework is ignited as protesters demonstrate in downtown on Friday, May 29, 2020, in Los Angeles.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester raises his arms as LAPD officers approach on Spring St. in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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An MTA bus is vandalized in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters start a fire on Seventh Street in downtown Los Angeles on Friday night.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters break into a Rite Aid store in downtown Los Angeles on Friday, May 29, 2020.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times
)
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Looters take liquor and beer from a Rite Aid store in downtown Los Angeles.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters take jewelry from a store in downtown Los Angeles Friday night.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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A police officer keeps an eye on protesters in downtown Los Angeles Friday night.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Police move past a fire set by protesters in downtown Los Angeles Friday night.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters look for jewelry on the floor at a jewelry store in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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Looters run from a jewelry store as LAPD officers approach in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Wally Skalij/Los Angeles Times)
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A police cruiser drives past a fire in the middle of the street in downtown Los Angeles Friday night.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester throws a wooden pallet on a fire on Seventh Street in downtown Los Angeles on Friday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Protestors are arrested by Los Angeles police in front of City Hall early Saturday morning.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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A man smashes the window of a business in downtown Los Angeles Friday night.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters scale a chainlink fence to escape from police in downtown Los Angeles Friday night.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Police fire percussion rounds to clear protesters from Grand Avenue in downtown Los Angeles.
(Luis Sinco/Luis Sinco)
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A protester remains defiant after being pushed to the ground by police on Grand Avenue in in downtown Los Angeles on Friday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters are arrested by Los Angeles police in front of City Hall as they demonstrate in downtown on Saturday.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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A police officer arrests a protester.
(Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times)
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Police try to contain protesters in downtown Los Angeles.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Protestors are arrested by Los Angeles police in front of City Hall Saturday morning.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters are arrested by Los Angeles police in front of City Hall as they demonstrate in downtown Saturday morning.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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CHP officers protect themselves from protesters on the northbound 110 Freeway in downtown Los Angeles on Friday.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters block the 110 Freeway downtown.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters march onto the 110 Freeway.
(Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters are escorted off the 110 Freeway.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester is escorted off the freeway.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters climb over a fence near the 110 Freeway.
(Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters on the freeway.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters block traffic as they momentarily occupy the northbound lanes of the Harbor Freeway.
(Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters on the Harbor Freeway.
(Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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Police officers assume a defensive stance as a protester approaches them on the Harbor Freeway in downtown Los Angeles.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester grimaces in pain.
( Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester stands above the northbound 110 Freeway.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Traffic backs up after protesters block the northbound lanes of the Harbor Freeway in downtown Los Angeles.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Police officers escort a protester off the northbound lanes of the Harbor Freeway in downtown Los Angeles on Friday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Los Angeles police patrol the 110 freeway after chasing protestors off Friday, May 29.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester rides a skateboard on the 110 Freeway.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters on the 110 Freeway.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters packs Wilshire Blvd overlooking the 110 freeway on Friday, May 29.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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Police officers form a human barrier against protesters gathered near the intersection of Fifth and Olive streets in downtown Los Angeles on Friday.
(Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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Police restrain a protester near the intersection of Fifth and Olive streets.
(Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester celebrates after vandalizing a police cruiser.
(Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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Garbage lands on police officers as they confront protesters near the intersection of Fifth and Olive streets.
(Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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An LAPD officer prepares to push protesters back.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protestors are arrested by Los Angeles police in front of City Hall as they demonstrate in downtown Friday night.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters face off with a large law enforcement presence in downtown Los Angeles Friday.
(Kent Nishimura/Los Angeles Times)
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Protestwrs demonstrate in downtown Los Angeles on Friday, May 29.
(Gary Coronado/Los Angeles Times)
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A protester confronts LAPD officers.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters raise their hands a police block their way in downtown Los Angeles on Friday.
(Luis Sinco/Los Angeles Times)
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Elyssa Wells calls out as she and others sit on Grand Avenue in downtown Los Angeles.
(Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Dozens of protestors stand off with police May 28 on Grand Avenue in downtown Los Angeles.
(Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Police speed along Third Street in downtown Los Angeles in response to a demonstration by hundreds of people.
(Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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LAPD officers hold the line against dozens of protesters on Grand Avenue.
(Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Dozens of protesters, many with the Black Lives Matters-LA movement, stand off with police.
(Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester jumps in the street to block an oncoming California Highway Patrol vehicle in Los Angeles.
(Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester tosses a bottle of water on a CHP vehicle as other protesters swarm the car at a rally in front of LAPD headquarters.
(Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters link hands May 27 across the 101 Freeway in downtown Los Angeles in a demonstration over the death of George Floyd in Minneapolis.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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Two people stand on a police vehicle during Wednesday’s Black Lives Matter protest in downtown Los Angeles.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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Harina Yacob, 26, of Los Angeles wears a mask reading, “Please, I can’t breathe,” which Floyd is heard saying in video of a police officer kneeling on his neck.
(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester lies injured on the 101 Freeway in downtown Los Angeles.
(Gabriella Angotti-Jones / Los Angeles Times)
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People tend to the injured protester on the 101 Freeway near downtown Los Angeles.
(Gabriella Angotti-Jones / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters cheer as the injured demonstrator is helped to his feet by firefighters.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters link hands and raise their arms on the 101 during Wednesday’s protest.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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People stand on the side of the 101 Freeway during the Black Lives Matter protest.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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The marchers exit the freeway, but they continued to protest off Aliso Street.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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Black Lives Matter protesters march in downtown L.A.
(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)
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The killing of George Floyd by police in Minneapolis sparked this and other nationwide protests.
(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)
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Myche Barriere, 23, left, and Annika Sillemon, 16, carry signs at Wednesday’s protest.
(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters surround a California Highway Patrol cruiser in downtown Los Angeles.
(Gabriella Angotti-Jones / Los Angeles Times)
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Kika Villareal, 27, left, and daughter Aubrie join Wednesday’s protesters downtown.
(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)
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Black Lives Matter protesters gather in downtown L.A.
(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester sits at the intersection of South Hill and West 2nd streets during the L.A. protest.
(Gabriella Angotti-Jones/Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters watch the demonstration at South Hill and West 2nd streets.
(Gabriella Angotti-Jones / Los Angeles Times)
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A protester silently approaches an officer.
(Dania Maxwell/Los Angeles Times)
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L.A. protesters make their presence known.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters on a downtown Los Angeles street.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
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Protesters cross Broadway, heading toward Hill Street.
(Gabriella Angotti-Jones / Los Angeles Times)
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Jaime Carter holds a U.S. flag as a fellow protester torches it.
(Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times)
